Life is good
This time last year my belly was just beginning to show. I finally had to break down and by my first pair of maternity pants and for weeks now I have been able to feel my unborn baby move all about in my womb. I was on cloud nine, I loved being pregnant. I felt great my morning sickness finally faded. I was glowing and in four months we were going to get to meet our baby! I could hardly wait. I have been waiting for this moment my entire life. Every since I was a little girl I would dream of being a mother. That was my dream job. In the meantime I was a mommy to all my dolls. Secretly I played house until I was fourteen,of course none of my friends new. It just wasn't cool. So don't you tell anybody. Who wants to be uncool?
Today was the day of my twenty week ultra sound. I woke up feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning. We were going to find out the sex of our baby. No I couldn't wait another four months,are you kidding?.
I remember the day so clearly. It was a beautiful September day. Their were a few clouds in the sky with the sun shining threw and you could smell the crisp autumn air. I took the day off from work so that my husband Eric,myself and my mother who was visiting from out of town could all go to my ultra sound. This would be my third ultra sound and I was so excited to get another glimpse of our precious baby and hopefully find out if we were going to have a boy or girl.
Honestly I didn't care one way or another. I just wanted a healthy baby. A girl would be fun. Since I am a girlie girl it would be fun to play dress up and have tea parties and do all the things that little girls do. I also would love to have a boy that looked just like his daddy. Every since Eric walked into my life five years ago I always thought to myself a little boy just like him would be adorable!
God, just please let our baby be healthy. Boy or girl. Healthy is our only wish, I prayed.
Honestly during my ultra scan I wasn't concerned that something would be wrong with our baby. My O.B already ruled out the two major birth defects that concerned them due to the medication I was taking to control my seizures. We know that our baby didn't have spinal bifidia or nurul tube defect. Our baby was going to be born healthy,honestly with these two birth defects ruled out their was nothing else that could possible go wrong? Just goes to show how naive I was.
It didn't even ac cure to me when the technician left the room several times or that he focussed in on one particular area of our baby. I didn't think twice. At my last two ultra sounds the technicians did the same thing and everything was fine. So everything will be find this time,right?
The three of us were thrilled to find out we were having a boy! I was going to have a son,that hopefully would just be like the man I loved,my amazing husband Eric. Life was good. We left with a picture of our son's profile.
On our drive home we discussed boy names. Which at the time we didn't agree on one single name. Eric dropped me off at home and he went on his merry way to work. My mother was already on her drive home to Washington.
It wasn't until around seven o'clock that evening that our life would change forever. I was on the internet registering for baby things for our little boy. When my phone rang and I didn't recognized the number.Normally if the number was unfamilar I would let it go to my voice mail. Some thing told me to answer it. I knew something was terrible wrong when I heard my O.B voice on the other line. I was hoping that maybe he was just calling to congratulate us on our sweet little boy! Wish full thinking. He started to explain to me that something was terrible wrong with our son. Keep in mind my Doctor had a deep Russian accent and I could barely understand a word he was saying. It didn't help by this time that I was already hysterically crying. The only thing I could make out was that my baby had a serious birth defect. Something called Congital Diaphragmatic Hernia,Whatever the heck was that? This was the first I have ever heard of this birth defect. My doctor began to try and explain CDH. I couldn't understand a word he said. I was in shock,disbelief this couldn't be happing to our baby.Maybe I am dreaming I know this is a nightmare and anytime now I am going to wake up and our son is going to be just fine. I knew that I wouldn't be able to explain everything the doctor was explaining to me to my husband. So I asked if he could call my husband at work and explain everything to him. You know what that jerk of an O.B said to me "yea but I need to make this quick,I have been at work all day" Are you frreak'en kidding me! Your telling me my baby is most likely going to die and all you can think about is how long you have been at work?JERK!!!!
When I hung up the phone I fell to the floor and laid their crying asking Why god?why our baby?When I was finally able to pick my self off of the floor I immediately went straight to the computer and began my research on CDH. That was a mistake. The more I read the more terrified I was. I was so scared of the unknown. Will my baby survive? and if he does will he be able to live a normal life? Am I strong enough to be a mother of child you is sick and might die?
After speaking with my doctor,my husband rushed home. As soon as he walked into our living room. He wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his shoulder.Then he explained to me what my O.B suggested we do. He thinks we should have an abortion. I couldn't believe that he wanted us to kill our son that was alive in my womb moving around and kicking me at this very moment.I didn't even know they did abortions this far along?
At the time I really thought that our baby was going to die. I was devastated and angry with god. Why us? Why our baby? whatever did you we do to you GOD? what did our baby do to deserve this?
Needless to say I never went back to that jerk of an O.B. I started seeing a new doctor who was wonderful. He gave us hope and hope is what we needed. As long as their was hope for our baby. We weren't going to give up on our son. He deserved a fighting chance. After all he was our little warrior and he would later prove himself to be one fierce fighter.
The rest of my pregnancy I tried to carry on like any normal pregnant lady. I had a few baby showers. I washed all of his little clothes and neatly folded them and put them away in his dresser (the same dresser that his daddy used when he was a baby,with a fresh coat of paint). I was trying to remain hopeful. We decided that we would prepare our selfs for the worst and hope for the best. Easier said than done. I was an emotional wreck for the rest of my pregnancy but tried to remain postive.
To be perfectly honest I was willing to be pregnant forever. If I was given the choice. I loved feeling my baby grow inside me. I treasured each and every time I felt my little warrior move around. As long as my baby was safely inside my womb nothing could arm him,he was safe.
Unfortunately when your body is ready their is no stopping labor. I learned that the night my water broke four days before I was scheduled to be induced. I was in a panic. I wasn't ready for this next step. I was scared of the unknown.
Twenty hours later our baby boy was born via c section. I remember the second I heard my little boy's faint cry I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace. Some how I new my baby was going to be fine. It was going to be a long and crazy roller coaster ride but my baby is going to beat CDH. He is a fighter.
I didn't get to meet our little guy until several hours later. He was rushed into the other room with the the team of doctors and nurses who were trying to stabilize him. After the doctor sewed me up I went to recovery.
I will never forget our first meeting. I was wheeled to the NICU on my bed and their was my sweet little boy on a ventilator looking so peaceful. He squeezed my finger and then it was time for me to say goodbye. I had to go to my room and rest. I hated leaving my baby but I new he was in the best of hands.
Eight months later my sweet little warrior Owain Douglas is a happy healthy baby. Other than his cool scar you would never know he had such a rough beginning. I feel incredible blessed to be his mother. I never take a day that goes by that we have with our son for granted. Every day is a joyful day. Life is good.
I am no longer angry with god. He did answer my prayers our son is healthy. Thank you god for giving me this gift of life, our son.
I have fantasies of running into my jerk of an O.B and showing him Owain. This is the same baby that you suggest we abort!....JERK!!!!!!
Life is good.
Today was the day of my twenty week ultra sound. I woke up feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning. We were going to find out the sex of our baby. No I couldn't wait another four months,are you kidding?.
I remember the day so clearly. It was a beautiful September day. Their were a few clouds in the sky with the sun shining threw and you could smell the crisp autumn air. I took the day off from work so that my husband Eric,myself and my mother who was visiting from out of town could all go to my ultra sound. This would be my third ultra sound and I was so excited to get another glimpse of our precious baby and hopefully find out if we were going to have a boy or girl.
Honestly I didn't care one way or another. I just wanted a healthy baby. A girl would be fun. Since I am a girlie girl it would be fun to play dress up and have tea parties and do all the things that little girls do. I also would love to have a boy that looked just like his daddy. Every since Eric walked into my life five years ago I always thought to myself a little boy just like him would be adorable!
God, just please let our baby be healthy. Boy or girl. Healthy is our only wish, I prayed.
Honestly during my ultra scan I wasn't concerned that something would be wrong with our baby. My O.B already ruled out the two major birth defects that concerned them due to the medication I was taking to control my seizures. We know that our baby didn't have spinal bifidia or nurul tube defect. Our baby was going to be born healthy,honestly with these two birth defects ruled out their was nothing else that could possible go wrong? Just goes to show how naive I was.
It didn't even ac cure to me when the technician left the room several times or that he focussed in on one particular area of our baby. I didn't think twice. At my last two ultra sounds the technicians did the same thing and everything was fine. So everything will be find this time,right?
The three of us were thrilled to find out we were having a boy! I was going to have a son,that hopefully would just be like the man I loved,my amazing husband Eric. Life was good. We left with a picture of our son's profile.
On our drive home we discussed boy names. Which at the time we didn't agree on one single name. Eric dropped me off at home and he went on his merry way to work. My mother was already on her drive home to Washington.
It wasn't until around seven o'clock that evening that our life would change forever. I was on the internet registering for baby things for our little boy. When my phone rang and I didn't recognized the number.Normally if the number was unfamilar I would let it go to my voice mail. Some thing told me to answer it. I knew something was terrible wrong when I heard my O.B voice on the other line. I was hoping that maybe he was just calling to congratulate us on our sweet little boy! Wish full thinking. He started to explain to me that something was terrible wrong with our son. Keep in mind my Doctor had a deep Russian accent and I could barely understand a word he was saying. It didn't help by this time that I was already hysterically crying. The only thing I could make out was that my baby had a serious birth defect. Something called Congital Diaphragmatic Hernia,Whatever the heck was that? This was the first I have ever heard of this birth defect. My doctor began to try and explain CDH. I couldn't understand a word he said. I was in shock,disbelief this couldn't be happing to our baby.Maybe I am dreaming I know this is a nightmare and anytime now I am going to wake up and our son is going to be just fine. I knew that I wouldn't be able to explain everything the doctor was explaining to me to my husband. So I asked if he could call my husband at work and explain everything to him. You know what that jerk of an O.B said to me "yea but I need to make this quick,I have been at work all day" Are you frreak'en kidding me! Your telling me my baby is most likely going to die and all you can think about is how long you have been at work?JERK!!!!
When I hung up the phone I fell to the floor and laid their crying asking Why god?why our baby?When I was finally able to pick my self off of the floor I immediately went straight to the computer and began my research on CDH. That was a mistake. The more I read the more terrified I was. I was so scared of the unknown. Will my baby survive? and if he does will he be able to live a normal life? Am I strong enough to be a mother of child you is sick and might die?
After speaking with my doctor,my husband rushed home. As soon as he walked into our living room. He wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his shoulder.Then he explained to me what my O.B suggested we do. He thinks we should have an abortion. I couldn't believe that he wanted us to kill our son that was alive in my womb moving around and kicking me at this very moment.I didn't even know they did abortions this far along?
At the time I really thought that our baby was going to die. I was devastated and angry with god. Why us? Why our baby? whatever did you we do to you GOD? what did our baby do to deserve this?
Needless to say I never went back to that jerk of an O.B. I started seeing a new doctor who was wonderful. He gave us hope and hope is what we needed. As long as their was hope for our baby. We weren't going to give up on our son. He deserved a fighting chance. After all he was our little warrior and he would later prove himself to be one fierce fighter.
The rest of my pregnancy I tried to carry on like any normal pregnant lady. I had a few baby showers. I washed all of his little clothes and neatly folded them and put them away in his dresser (the same dresser that his daddy used when he was a baby,with a fresh coat of paint). I was trying to remain hopeful. We decided that we would prepare our selfs for the worst and hope for the best. Easier said than done. I was an emotional wreck for the rest of my pregnancy but tried to remain postive.
To be perfectly honest I was willing to be pregnant forever. If I was given the choice. I loved feeling my baby grow inside me. I treasured each and every time I felt my little warrior move around. As long as my baby was safely inside my womb nothing could arm him,he was safe.
Unfortunately when your body is ready their is no stopping labor. I learned that the night my water broke four days before I was scheduled to be induced. I was in a panic. I wasn't ready for this next step. I was scared of the unknown.
Twenty hours later our baby boy was born via c section. I remember the second I heard my little boy's faint cry I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace. Some how I new my baby was going to be fine. It was going to be a long and crazy roller coaster ride but my baby is going to beat CDH. He is a fighter.
I didn't get to meet our little guy until several hours later. He was rushed into the other room with the the team of doctors and nurses who were trying to stabilize him. After the doctor sewed me up I went to recovery.
I will never forget our first meeting. I was wheeled to the NICU on my bed and their was my sweet little boy on a ventilator looking so peaceful. He squeezed my finger and then it was time for me to say goodbye. I had to go to my room and rest. I hated leaving my baby but I new he was in the best of hands.
Eight months later my sweet little warrior Owain Douglas is a happy healthy baby. Other than his cool scar you would never know he had such a rough beginning. I feel incredible blessed to be his mother. I never take a day that goes by that we have with our son for granted. Every day is a joyful day. Life is good.
I am no longer angry with god. He did answer my prayers our son is healthy. Thank you god for giving me this gift of life, our son.
I have fantasies of running into my jerk of an O.B and showing him Owain. This is the same baby that you suggest we abort!....JERK!!!!!!
Life is good.
Oh how your post resonated with me.
We got our diagnostic U/S on September 21st. Our twit of an OB sat on the results for 3 weeks because "they didn't think it was anything serious". The first results simply mentioned a malpositioned stomach and several possibilities. CDH was not one of them. We also had a doctor once we got our diagnosis in Kansas City suggest we abort 3 times. I have intended for some time to send him a letter with Liviana's picture with the same thoughts you had, "this is the baby you told us to abort".
I am wondering if fall in the air has hit you like it has me. As soon as we had that first crispness of fall it brought me back, powerfully, to last year at the same time. It was very emotional for me.
I have hijacked your wonderful post enough.
Owain is a handsome inspiration to many.
Amy
Livianasjourney.blogspot.com
Wow Amber, this post is so well-said. You have put in to words what so many of us felt on diagnosis-day. I too had a jerk of a doctor for a brief moment up in Portland and have had letter fantasies as well:)
God has answered your prayers and Owain has already made such an impact in his short little life and I am blessed to have known you now for a year!
love,
darcy
http://ittybittyblog.wordpress.com
Amber, I agree with Amy and Darcy... The day when someone tells you there is something wrong with your baby you want to die... You put into words so many known feelings.
owai is a true warrior, so handsome with those big blue eyes :)